USING ANGER GOD'S WAY
by Isabel Ng

Original article printed in October/November 1999 issue of Challenger Quarterly. Posted with permission of Chinese Christian Mission and Challenger Quarterly. All rights reserved.

Ever since the time we were born, we have learned ineffective ways of resolving anger. Some learn that by exploding, they can increase their sense of control over a frustrating situation and may even "get their way." The sad thing is people do listen when we raise our voices. Sadder still, the aggressive behavior is reinforced. The long-term consequences can be devastating. Broken relationships, physical illness, inability to keep a job or work with others, and outbreaks of violence are some of the sad results.
Some suppress and internalize their emotions, denying their anger even though it might be obvious to others. Unfortunately, many physical maladies can be related to unresolved anger. Others may turn their anger inward in order to avoid confrontation or unpleasant consequences. They may punish themselves, reasoning that they were to blame. Self-esteem is lowered. Depression, self-mutilation, and suicide may be some of the long-term consequences. Still others dress up their anger in sarcasm. They hurt intended or unintended targets, including themselves, with their witty darts. The book of Proverbs describes them eloquently: "Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, 'I was only joking!'" (26:18-19) Their style makes it very difficult to foster growth in relationships.

BE ANGRY BUT DO NOT SIN

CALMING DOWN

Anger is generally experienced as a secondary emotion to fear, hurt, frustration, shame, guilt, envy, or jealousy. A number of physiological changes accompany the feeling. Breathing becomes rapid and shallow. More adrenaline and cortisone are released into the bloodstream. Heart rate and blood pressure are increased. Pupils are dilated. In short, the body is prepared for fight or flight. However, since we are generally not in any physical danger that requires fight or flight responses, we must learn to calm down and utilize the increased energy level constructively.
At the first sign of any symptoms of anger, we should tell ourselves to slow down by taking a few deep breaths. This process starts by inhaling slowly and deeply through our nose to expand the stomach, holding our breath for a few seconds, and then slowly exhaling through the mouth, deflating the stomach. When our lungs feel empty, we inhale again. This cycle should be repeated at least three to four times. Afterwards we can recite calming down statements such as these:
• Calm down. Slow down. Don't be afraid. God is in control.
• "Be still, and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10).
• Think before acting.
• Stop. Take it easy. I am dearly loved by God. I do not need to prove myself.
• It's time to relax and slow things down. I can take a time out and deal with this later.
• Do not be frustrated by what is said or done. I cannot control other people and this situation but I can control myself and how I express my feelings.
• God cares and understands how I am feeling. I can depend on Him to handle this situation.
It may be helpful to write down a few of these statements on a piece of paper and keep it handy so we can read them to ourselves as soon as we feel angry. If necessary, we should remove ourselves from the frustrating situation momentarily. Calming down statements are meant to delay and alter our customary anger expression so that we can develop a new way of expressing our anger that will take care of our feelings more fully. We are reminded in James 1:19 to be "slow to anger" (NASB). When we slow down, we are not compelled to act rashly. We can buy time to think and avoid allowing our mal-adaptive responses to take over. Even God is described as "slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness"(Ex. 34:6). Psalm 78:38 states, "Time after time he (God) restrained his anger and did not stir up his full wrath."

ACCEPTING AND EXAMINING SELF

Once we are calmer, we must quickly learn to understand why we are angry and what can be done to resolve it. Since anger is a secondary feeling to other emotions, we do not need to feel guilty or ashamed of feeling this way. Rather, it is time to act lovingly toward ourselves and to understand our situation in a deeper way. Are we hurt, frustrated, jealous, guilty, or afraid? What is causing us to feel this way? How does the way we feel reflect our values, beliefs, and thoughts? Under the circumstances, what would we like to accomplish? What can be done to achieve our goal without exploding, hurting or blaming ourselves, or hurting others? What are our options? What are the consequences of each? Prayerfully we can then choose an option and act accordingly.
While examining our thoughts and feelings, we may discover some distorted concepts or negative self-talk. It is essential to correct these in order to resolve feelings. One of the first attempts of restructuring thoughts to alter feelings is recorded in Genesis 4:6-7. At the first sign of Cain's anger, God attempted to help Cain in a calm and caring way. The Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?" (Gen. 4:6) Knowing that Cain felt jealous, hurt and rejected, God asked him to explore how he could gain acceptance. "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?" (Gen. 4:7a) If Cain had paused to face these questions, he might have been able to discover that his sense of insecurity stemmed from his own irreverence for God. God was personally reassuring Cain of His love, understanding, and acceptance. However, Cain did not utilize the opportunity to think constructively. He ignored God's love and concern and did what most of us do: he brewed over his hurt and nursed his bitterness. In time, he reaped the tragic consequence that God foretold: "But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door" (Gen. 4:7b).

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Based on my personal experience, restructuring my distorted thoughts has helped me resolve much anger. For example, I frequently became angry when I cooked. As a compulsive person, I had to scrub the kitchen free of germs and wash off every bit of pesticide from any vegetables I needed for my meal. Consequently, I spent a minimum of 2 1/2 hours per night cooking and cleaning dishes. In my frustration, I would talk to myself negatively: "I have better things to do with my time than cook." Soon, I would spoil everyone's appetite and make them regret for not helping. As I explored the reasons for my anger, besides recognizing my compulsive trait and need to control, I discovered that I was frustrated that I did not receive help from anyone. I also doubted my worth when I took on the seemingly unimportant role of a housewife.
The strategy to resolve my anger became clear. I had to reassess my values. My distorted thought told me that I was only worthwhile when I accomplished "important" tasks. I reminded myself that my worth came from the Lord. I did not need to prove myself. Instead I should learn to relax and enjoy His unconditional love that was lavishly given and could not be earned. I also realized that I was taking responsibility for my family's welfare as if their sickness or good health depended totally on me. I had to learn to trust Him to have control over our lives. My anger was more dangerous to our health than the germs in the kitchen!
Secondly, I began communicating my need for help to my family who were glad to be of assistance. They cared deeply about how I was feeling, plus they wanted to enjoy their mealtime! Finally, I restructured my negative self-talk into a more positive one. At the first sign of anger, I would tell myself, "Calm down. I love my husband and my daughter and enjoy serving them healthy food in a clean kitchen. I don't need to prove myself; God loves me just as I am." It is amazing how positive thoughts can change feelings.

JOURNALING

By now, it is probably obvious that most of the work of managing anger has to be done when we are not angry. Thus it is valuable to set realistic goals and keep an anger journal. Keeping a log of the frequency of our anger and a journal of our responses to anger can greatly enhance our understanding of our anger style. Once we have some idea of how often we feel angry, we can set a realistic goal to reduce the frequency. But the value of keeping a log is not just for monitoring progress. Undesirable behaviors often decrease simply because they are being observed. It also helps us to face those difficult questions that we were too busy to consider. Why do we feel angry? We must learn to accept our feelings and immerse ourselves in God's love. And while we are learning to be more forgiving of ourselves, we should try also to be forgiving of others. Finally, we can devise a plan to respond differently next time. The more often the plan is rehearsed in our journal, the more likely it will be applied at our next encounter of anger.

REMEMBERING AND CREATING BLESSINGS

Besides the danger of negative thoughts and self-talk, it is often tempting to nurse anger with hurtful memories during the time out periods. It is easy to let anger grow into deep-seated bitterness. In Exodus 32:13, Moses modeled a powerful remedy. When God was about to destroy Israel in His anger, Moses asked God to "Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel," and His promises to them. Memory can be powerful in changing feelings. Just as hurtful memories cause us to be more bitter and depressed, fond memories can help us feel joy and happiness. On the sheet with the calming down statements, we should also write down a few positive memories. Remember the kind words and deeds of others. Remember the promises we made to them. Recall the happy moments we shared. Purpose to remember the good and let go of the bitter ones. If we cannot think of any fond memory, we must begin the habit of creating and collecting positive memorable moments. These moments do not have to be elaborate or expensive. A loving note in our spouse's briefcase, a candlelight dinner at home, a treat for no reason, a takeout dinner at the park, a good laugh, and a loving touch can all be antidotes to monotonous routines. We must affirm love even while we are feeling angry or hurt.

KEEPING GOOD COMPANY

Proverbs 22:24 offers another word of caution: "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered." Since responses to anger are learned, we must be careful to limit bad modeling. Contrary to Freudian psychologists' belief, watching violence on TV and close association with a hot-tempered person will increase our own tendency to be angry. Whenever possible we must surround ourselves with a supportive group of people who love us unconditionally and avoid those who tend to stir up strife. And do not hesitate to seek professional help if it is too difficult to handle anger on your own.

CELEBRATING

Finally, we should expect "failure" but celebrate any sign of positive change. Just as the former expressions of anger were learned and reinforced, new behaviors need positive reinforcement. We should take note of any positive change and reward ourselves with a treat or a pat on the back. Let's turn each "failure" into an opportunity to understand ourselves. And let us thank God for the new freedom that can be experienced in Christ, for "with God all things are possible" (Mt. 19:26).

Isabel Ng is a licensed clinical social worker on staff at Mills-Peninsula Medical Center in Burlingame, CA and a part-time Christian Education consultant with David C. Cook Church Ministries. She and her husband, Kai, own and operate Joyous Hope serving churches with Christian Education materials and training workshops.